My family, since young, do not practice the habit of showing thanks or any form of expression (except anger and irritation). Almost 19 years being brought up, i never once said thanks to mom or dad when they did something noble or things that made me felt really touched.
It wasnt just only me. It also apply to my sis and bro. Bro is an introvert, he hardly talk to any of us. The only person he talked to most often would be my sis. But not much of his personal life. We wouldnt and may never know that bro joined Singapore Idol and made it to the second round if the producer didnt ring him up via the house telephone line. That's how cold and distant my family is despite it being a complete one.
Just this evening, i was watching dvd using the dvd player that hardly anyone uses. Well, my disc got stucked after the entire movie and the it just wouldnt open up. I wasnt much bothered about it because i thought after letting it rest awhile it would be back to normal and open up. But dad got so panicked, he tried ways and means to get the disc out since it was a rented one.
In the end, he dismantled the whole player, took out my disc, return it to me and had no choice but to throw the dvd player away. I was super shocked. For real. Who on earth would dismantle the whole dvd player just to retrieve a disc? And the worst thing was, i didnt say a single word. Not even the basic "thank you", neither was there any expression on my face. I simply walked up to him took the dvd and walked back to the other living room and continued watching tv.
This is how things work in my family. No one ever showed any gratitude. How sad can that be?
There were also other moments whereby i really appreciated what dad and mom had done for me. But still, no words or actions of gratitude. Instead, i flare up at them at every small things.
My dad is a retiree. Now, he's like the "maid" of the household. Despite bringing up 3 children to this age, we, as their kids, should be helping out in the household chores. But no, dad and mom were the one cleaning up the house, washing the dishes, watering the plants, taking care of Ebony's poo and pee, washing and ironing the clothes, sweeping and mopping the floor and every single thing you can think of.
Every morning, dad would prepare breakfast for us. Whenever i have nothing on in the early afternoon, he would make sure he bought lunch for me. Dinner is no exception. Either dad or mom would buy dinner home for us. They often worry if we'll be coming back for dinner, so usually they will eat just a little to make sure there's enough food for us if we didnt pick up their call.
Its true how naggy i felt they were at times. Often questioning me of my whereabouts, what time i have to get up the next day, what time i would be home, where would i be going, and over the slightest thing you can think of. Usually, i would just give them a one-word answer or simply shrug it off by ignoring them or answering them with "ya, ah, orh, yes, no, uhm".
Ive been brought up this way whereby i dont know how to express myself. Sometimes when i tried to be really thankful to someone, i would go like "oh ure so nice, thanks so much", but often, i felt like im just acting and it wasnt at all natural. And i dont like it.
Many times when people do things that made me really touched, i wouldnt really show much emotions or looked like im really pleased for their thoughtful acts. But seriously, deep down within me, im really thankful. I just didnt know how to show it.
Dont bother asking me to change and start showing my gratitude to dad and mom. Because it just isnt the way my family works. It just feels weird and "wrong". Geez, i dont know. But im full on envious when i see how some of my friends can communicate so well with their family. And it just seem that my family would never be like theirs.
One day, i really hope to tell dad and mom that i really love them a lot, and that ive been really touched by all the things they did for me. I know for sure, that in their heart, we always come first than anything else.
Its pretty hard for me to go on at times because i know its wrong. They are my parents, i should show respect for them and be filial. But..its just so not me, so not us.
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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